MILLIE LACE, MSE, LPC

Testimony to the South Dakota Task Force on Abortion

October 2005

My name is Millie Lace. I am a Licensed Professional Counselor in Arkansas. In my work, I have listened to the stories of many women who deeply regret their abortions. And, I personally made the poor and tragic choice of abortion because my doctor said it was necessary to protect my life and health.  

Even though my case might be viewed as a “tough” case and one in many people’s minds that would justify an abortion, that doesn’t take away my pain and regret of taking my child’s life and dissolving our relationship. It was a poor and irreversible choice that has caused me deep pain and regret. 

In 1979 I became pregnant. I was excited; but my doctor wasn’t because I was taking an experimental drug for a tumor on my bladder. He told me I could not have this baby because my life could be in danger and my baby could be a monster. He said that I must get a Dilation and Curettage (D and C) quickly before the baby’s heart started beating. I was seven weeks pregnant. I know now that a baby’s heart is beating at approximately 21 days or three weeks after conception.

My doctor never told me of any alternatives. He never talked about his liability or offered to have me sign a waiver for my risk. He told me I must decide quickly. 

I was 26 years old, married to my husband, now of 31 years, and had a three-year-old son. My husband and I were active church members and a Christian family. I had grown up in a small town, graduated first in my class, was outgoing, and had many friends.  

I remember being overwhelmed with the doctor’s words and very scared. I left his office crying and immediately called my husband to ask him what we should do. I can remember thinking that abortion was okay if the mother’s life was in danger. So, we called our parents and close family, and we prayed. I honestly thought I had to do this so I wouldn’t die and not be around to raise my son. I also thought I would never forgive myself for bringing a “monster” into this world. My family agreed. I honestly thought that I had no other choice and, therefore, was doing what I “had” to do. 

My doctor sent me to a Planned Parenthood facility in Little Rock. I have often wondered why he did not do the procedure and provide my care since my pregnancy was at risk.

I can still remember people with signs as we drove into the parking lot that said, “Save your baby.” I huddled down in the seat and said, “Oh honey, they don’t know why we are here, do they?” I honestly thought I was there to get rid of tissue. I didn’t understand I was getting an abortion.

I remembered the doctor had said to do this before the heart started beating. “Surely this isn’t a baby,” I thought. I signed in and paid the fee. I received no counseling whatsoever. I remember the cold table and the almost empty room. No pretty pictures, just a cold lonely room. The nurse told me it would be over quickly, wouldn’t hurt, and that I could return to work the next day. A man came in to do the procedure but I don’t remember him saying anything. I remember hearing the suction machine and beginning to wonder, “What is happening to me?”  

I was then told to sit for a while and I remember several girls much younger than me lined up in a room. The one sitting beside me asked, “Was yours a boy or a girl?” I was shocked! “What did she mean? Surely, this wasn’t a BABY! Not yet!” 

In the next few hours after going home, I felt excruciating pain and immediate mental anguish. I began hemorrhaging as I walked across my kitchen floor. More of the pieces came out as I went to the bathroom! I called my mother and she said that maybe we shouldn’t talk about it. So, I felt too ashamed to call the doctor. I cried myself to sleep that night and then the depression and the mental repression of the event overtook my mind. I couldn’t even say the word “abortion.” Although the doctor called it “D and C,” I knew Planned Parenthood did abortions. “Oh God, what did I do?”  

I repressed my abortion experience for over 12 years, not wanting to talk about it to anyone but my husband. I cried myself to sleep in his arms almost every night, and asked, “What did we do?” I often dreamed I had a little girl but couldn’t talk about her. I justified my abortion as different because I “had” to do it.  

I became addicted to work, had low self-esteem, and repressed anger. I had difficulty making decisions, being close with friends, and was unable to relax. I had many pelvic infections and endometriosis, resulting in a hysterectomy at an early age. I overprotected my second son before I could face the truth of my abortion. Had it not been for faith, I would have lost my mind.  

            When I returned to the doctor for my bladder tumor, he suggested that I get pregnant right away to replace the child I didn’t have. Do you wonder why he would suggest that? Because a person is missing. Of course, no one human being can replace another.

Abortion affects as many lives as a single life possibly could. During my third pregnancy, I wanted to punish myself. I asked God to give me a deformed child or to take my life for what I had done. This is an example of the thinking pattern that went on in my mind after the abortion and before I gave myself permission to grieve my loss. Because I had dehumanized or taken away a part of myself by choosing abortion, there was an empty void. The relationship with my child during pregnancy was missing. My child, that I will never know this side of eternity, is not a part of my life. My husband and I didn’t get to celebrate her first birthday, first day of school or push her in a swing and see her smile.  You could say, “Well if you had died or your baby was “a monster,” you may not have enjoyed those events. But, by choosing abortion, I am responsible for killing my baby, and I live daily with that thought. I believe I will be in the recovery process until eternity.

It is never in the best interest of any mother to take the life of her child. A mother’s best interest is to have a relationship with her child. My regret is that I took the life of my daughter. My husband and I both believe our child was a girl, and we have named her Jill Allison. To give her personhood and identity is important in my grieving process. I believe the question that was not answered by the courts in 1973 of “What is it?” must be answered. My daughter’s size, level of development, environment, and degree of dependency did not justify her death. I give her and millions of others who have died legally from an abortion – purpose and honor today by sharing with you. 

As a professional counselor and coordinator for a national helpline for abortion recovery, I hear many stories of women who regret their abortion. The bonding process with successive siblings is often a major issue. Some women distance themselves from a living child or overprotect them. One caller said she was constantly anxious that her living son would die because she had taken the life of another son and was afraid that God would punish her. She constantly worried and was overprotective, exhibiting extreme behaviors with him. Other women have said that they did not deserve to bond with their living children. 

Other callers have experienced adverse behavioral and emotional consequences after an abortion that include:  

·                    intense guilt

·                    attempted suicide

·                    self-destructive behaviors

·                    intense anger and stress

·                    increased substance abuse

·                    difficulty in maintaining relationships

·                    low self-esteem

·                    miscarriages, infertility

·                    nightmares and depression

These women, who have lived with these symptoms for years, being hurt physically, emotionally and spiritually, find relief after identifying the root cause of abortion and working through the grieving process.  

After an abortion, the grieving process is silenced or aborted by society and, therefore, kept hidden in the deep recesses of our souls. Until women identify their need to grieve their loss and accept permission to do so; there are emotional and psychological conflicts within, defense mechanisms in place, and acting out behaviors exhibited and experienced. Here are a few examples: 

One caller stated that, although her abortion was several years ago, “My guilt won’t go away”. 

A teenager said, “My girlfriend had an abortion about a week ago and is acting strange. She won’t talk to me about it”. 

A mother called and said, “I see how painful it was for my daughter, so I want to help others not make this mistake.” 

A 66-year-old lady who had three abortions said, “I want to talk and get it right.”

Another caller had never talked about her abortion for 28 years. She said she did not know it was an abortion place. No one counseled her. The doctor told her there was no heartbeat. Her husband tells her to “forget it”. 

One caller said she attempted suicide three times and mutilated herself by cutting her body with a razor during times she is tormented by the thoughts of what she did to her child.  She wasn’t given counseling, and she was told to be quiet during the painful procedure. 

A woman who had five abortions had been under psychiatric care for five years but says her counselor cannot understand her pain. 

Another says, “I don’t know how to forgive myself, but if I could just help one other person. This is just awful.” 

A caller feels that abortion 25 years ago ruined her life.  She said she went downhill, lived in cars, and had a second abortion. She lost all self-esteem and has panic attacks. She was currently contemplating suicide.

A caller has difficulty in relationships after her abortion. She has been married six times.

Another caller suffers with depression.  Her present husband doesn’t know about it.  She is infertile.

A woman developed a serious case of dermatitis shortly after her abortion, so much so that it interfered with her ability to go out in public because of severe rashes and oozing. The doctors could not find a medical cause for condition. When she was pregnant with her first subsequent child the condition cleared up, never to return. After looking into it, she feels that it was a result of the stress she experienced after her abortion. She has researched possible link of women having autoimmune diseases due to the trauma of abortion. 

Another caller had an abortion and five miscarriages.  She is upset because she felt pressured from the baby’s father because he didn’t want the baby.

Caller is an alcoholic and drug addict and believes it is related to her abortion of 11 years ago.

A caller who had an abortion 10 days ago was very upset. Her parents and doctor advised her to do it because she is young (20). She feels very sad and has nightmares. 

These are only a sample of calls from all over this nation that express regret, guilt, unforgiveness, anger, silence and unresolved grief, relational difficulties, and the physical and emotional damage of women who have had abortions.  

We, who have been hurt by abortion, are your neighbors, your professionals, your sisters, mothers, aunts, cousins, and, maybe, your wives and daughters. This pain must stop. It is my hope that you will work to prevent other women from experiencing these sad and tragic consequences. 

Abortion is an irreversible choice that hurt me and took the life of my daughter. After all, we don’t kill dead things. In 1979 the nurse said, “This will be over quickly, but I will have regret for the rest of my life. Shame has been my ultimate silencer, but no more. I have spoken the truth about my experience today. Thank you for your time in listening and for serving on this task force to study the effects of abortion on women.     Millie Lace